There’s a new normal in my life. It’s permanent and something that I can’t change. It brought with it a sense of loneliness and emptiness. I watched my mother wither away slowly day by day for four months after doctors diagnosed her with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Though watching her die every day was hard, losing her was even harder. I said goodbye to her one Friday afternoon with tears in my eyes, and walked away. Two days later on December 17th, 2017, she died. My family and I buried her on the 23rd. There’s a new normal in my life because I was prepared for her to die, but I wasn’t ready to live without her. It’s been hard, but I’m learning how to slowly. My mother and I had a close relationship and bond that helped to balance me and push me positively in life. We were each other’s biggest motivators and supporters, though she wasn’t an emotional type of woman who always shared her feelings with me. I knew how much she loved me and how proud of me she was though. In the last few months of her life, I was her cheerleader pushing her to do mundane everyday things that she no longer had the energy to do such as getting dressed. Meanwhile, she continued to support my dreams as I told her about them each night. My new normal is bittersweet and hurts. It’s bittersweet because I can’t make any more memories with my mom. I’ll turn 30 this year without her, and get married and have kids without her someday as well. I wanted her here for those things, but I know that she is at peace and is resting in the Lord. As much as I wanted her to stick around for me, I wanted her to find relief from her pain more. I’d rather her be at peace in heaven than continue to suffer on earth. So, I’ll go on with my life and fulfill my dreams, like she would’ve wanted me to. Yet, she’ll live on in my heart forever. I’ll take her with me every step of the way that I take in life. She’ll always be my favorite girl!!!!
Rest in peace, mother. I love you!
June 25th, 1960-December 17th, 2017